Paul - Act 1 - 2023
This is the part where I write a long-winded post explaining what happened and where the hell I’ve been (as a photographer or lack thereof) for a few years. Pretty much no one will read it and instead skip ahead to look at the cool images (I don’t blame you!) but at least I got it out there.
Burnout.
Burnout happens when you’re doing things for the wrong reasons.
Burnout happens when you don’t even KNOW what your reason is in the first place. When you don’t know your WHY you cannot lead with it. You are like a ribbon in the wind, blowing every which way only to end up in the dirt. (Don’t get me wrong, dirt is great as long as you’re in it intentionally. I was not.)
Burnout also happens when you are not receiving at an equal amount that you are giving. (By this I mean MONEY.)
I was burning out and it looked like this-
Up at 3am editing a 200 image (who even needs that many images?!?!) boudoir session that I did for free because it’s hard to book clients when you’re touring and I needed ‘content.’
Posting those images on social media hoping to get ‘paid’ in ‘likes’.
No one cares because social media is a vortex.
I then question my SELF, my WORTH, I SUCK, I’m not GOOD ENOUGH, no one CARES, what is the POINT, etc etc blah blah blah you know the drill.
I did this enough times that I finally snapped and quit.
Now don’t get me wrong, I learned a lot during this time. My work got better. I was starting to see glimpses of what I wanted my business to look like, and I was figuring out what types of imagery I was drawn to keep creating. People were reaching out wanting to book me but I didn’t have an easy way for them to work with me on the road. Most importantly I knew I was meant for MORE. I just didn’t know how the hell to get from where I was to where I wanted to be. (Spoiler alert: I’m still working on that part but at least I have a plan.)
I was in the middle of figuring this stuff out when the pandemic happened. I went from living in hotel rooms on tour in big cities to two years of small town living, hikes every day, and connecting deeply with myself. The pandemic was really hard for a lot of people. But for ME…well it was the best time of my life.
And then we went back.
Tour life is not exactly the best mental health move to make. There is a lot of instability (aka anxiety) in the every day things normal people do that they don’t think twice about. And if you’ve got ambitions that go beyond being the merch manager it can be quite frustrating trying to work on (and compromising more than you’d like) your dream job while working your real job.
Believe it or not my biggest hurdle to overcome was no longer walking down the hall with my head down. For 10 years prior to the pandemic I spent my time in theaters feeling less than the people I worked with. These are talented human beings going on stage and signing autographs, people who get paid to sew elaborate costumes and sculpt wigs and make sure spotlights work and keep the show running for thousands of people every night. They have important jobs and I…I am just the merch girl. BUT I AM SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT. And no one saw me.
Because I didn’t show them.
Well I’m not hiding anymore. I’m walking down those halls and rolling my cart like I belong there because I do. And I always did. We are all so much more than what you see on the surface. I know that to be true for others I don’t know why it took so long for me to see that it’s true for me as well.
I am an ARTIST, through and through.
And after a lot of deep internal work I now know my WHY, I am figuring out how to receive in equal value of what I give on tour, and I don’t need a single ‘like’ from anyone (although those do give a nice boost to the ego). I know that the work I create is valuable. I finally see my worth.
Okay now onto my shoot with Paul (I’ll keep it brief)-
From the first moment I saw him I knew I wanted to capture his soul. As Annie Leibovitz says, “ When I say I want to photograph someone what it really means is that I’d like to know them.”
But I was still very much in my own way and I hadn’t even picked up a camera in literal years (I even got a new one but didn’t take it out longer than to make sure it worked. For me a camera is a TOOL like a paintbrush. BORING).
So I said nothing for months and passed him in the hall every night until one time in a moment of sheer reckless abandon I just did the scary thing and asked if he’d model for me and he said YES.
But then he told me he was moving to another tour and that we would have to do it sooner than I had thought and I started internally panicking because I wasn’t READY I wasn’t PREPARED and I wasn’t GOOD ENOUGH YET but I pushed through the fear and…well the rest is history.
Moral of the story- just do the fucking thing.
So my darling Paul- thank you for helping me get my groove back. Thank you for trusting me wholeheartedly and enthusiastically with my vision. Thank you for opening up and being vulnerable and all of the emotions that come with digging in deep. Thank you for helping me show the world the work that I want to start creating. I will miss your bright light bounding down the hall.