I think honesty and vulnerability is brave. When someone is authentically truthful and open it gives us the ability to look at people we admire (or even loath) and say, “You too?!” It’s humanizing and connects us as a species, which we are in desperate need of.

SO. With that in mind I’m going to get real honest and vulnerable with you all about this shoot.

Here goes-

This shoot did not turn out how I had planned.

This writing here isn’t even shaping up how I had planned. (Which is to say that I had planned on spinning the outcome of these images into some sort of well-though out narrative about blurry motion and blah blah blah but it just didn’t sit well with me. You can’t talk about being vulnerable all the time and then be an inauthentic liar. That shit radiates off you. People can smell a rat.)

The facts are thus-

I purchased a fog machine but had so much anxiety about not being able to get it to work properly, setting off a fire alarm, not having the ability to pre-test it, and running out of time and getting no useable images because I spent all our booked studio space allotment dicking around with a machine that I ultimately didn’t use it. So there went the dreamy, ethereal element I was counting on.

I had anxiety about my performance in regard to capturing amazing images for Emily. I have been working alongside her for years, bidding my time and hoping to get her in front of my lens. Well one day I just tricked asked her to pose for me and she very hesitantly, reluctantly agreed. She’s always been a champion of my work which means I really wanted to do right by her. Don’t get me wrong, I’m a posing wizard. I frequently say, “I got you” and I truly mean it. But this new, experimental way I’ve been shooting where I take less control and direct people to move more freely had only been tested twice so far, both on people who move their bodies for a living. I was so nervous I wanted to die. (Emily can attest because I mistakenly sent her a text meant for my best friend stating as such. Cue face to palm.)

And THEN! During the shoot my camera was not cooperating. Now, I LOVE an artfully blurry image, in fact it’s been on my list of techniques I want to learn how to nail for my clients. But there is artfully blurry and just…blurry. Luckily, I captured some of the former but I can honestly say that it was not on purpose. My lack of technical ability regarding my camera has ALWAYS been my biggest failure and secret shame. My camera is a tool for me, one I don’t enjoy using. It’s just a means to get my ideas into the world. Most of the time I shoot on automatic. I KNOW!! GASP! (Usually turns out incredible just sayin’…)

It all led up to a lot of performance anxiety and I did the best I could in that state. (I think I dissociated for most of it.) Not my peak performance on MY end as far as making my subject feel comfortable and at ease or with me feeling in control of both my camera and direction. If Emily was a paying client I would have given her another shoot for free based on my performance alone that day. (But since she was my last free shoot in my movement experiment…well, she still got great shots!)

I am a work in progress. If I let my anxiety rule then I would never create anything. And that would be such a waste of a good imagination because honestly, even with all my mistakes I have created some really amazing stuff over the years.

I tried being perfect the last time I did the ‘photography business thing.’ I pretended to have all my shit together and know all the things and it just became too much. The truth is that I’m learning, and I think I always will be. The truth is that it’s hard and there’s a lot of self-doubt. But my need to create and my belief that I’ve got some THING special that I’m tapping into usually wins in the internal arm-wrestling contest in my mind over my fears. (It wasn’t always that way. I have a veritable graveyard of shoots I’ve let slide by all because of self-doubt.)

Now if you’ve read all of that then you’re primed to see some bad images. But here’s the thing… they are GOOD. Despite all the stuff I had mentioned above I love these images just as much as I love the images of shoots that turned out exactly as I had planned. And that’s the beauty of it. Because if I had let all of that stuff stop me Emily and I wouldn’t have created this ART. I guess that’s the moral of the story, huh? Do the thing, even if it’s not turning out how you thought. Push through even though you’re shaking with worry. The worst that can happen is everything is shit and you learned things. The best…well, in my case the best is that I still got amazing shots AND I learned things.

And to Emily- thank you from the bottom of my anxiety-ridden heart for strapping in and riding this rollercoaster of a wave with me. Thank you for your trust, which is the highest honor one person can give to another. Thank you for always hyping me up and reminding me that I am on the right path. And lastly, thank you for being exactly (perfectly) who you are, in this moment in time, and allowing me to capture a glimpse of you for the world. “Who is that?” It’s you lady. It’s all you.

Stay tuned for some sparkly goodness in Act 2!

Makeup by Tish Ferguson